Inspiration Coaching

The power that we have over our life is a common theme in the Coach’s articles. Last month an article discussed the power that we have to choose our future life. This article is focused on the present and provides some tools to respond to situations in our life in a manner that is in alignment with our values.

One of the classic events that gets most of us fired up or annoyed is when other people cut in front of us. This could be on the road or in the line up for movie tickets. We could react to the situation by flashing the headlights or tailgating or cutting back in front of the person or shoving them completely out of the way. Alternatively we could respond to the situation. The difference being that we take the couple of seconds to consciously make a decision on how to act in a way that is in alignment with our values.  For some of us the resulting action may be exactly the same. However, for others taking those couple of seconds may result in a different action such as taking a deep breathe and “letting it go” or deciding how to address the person who has cut in front so that we both feel that we have won from the interaction.

The important thing is to act in a way that is in alignment with what we believe is important.

Reactions have the potential to burn our limited energy on matters that are not really important and to negatively impact the relationships that are important to us. The ill feeling from an angry or frustrated reaction can impact our lives for hours and sometimes days after the actual event. Alternatively responses can energize us and help build positive relationships.

The examples above discussed situations when the other person in the event was a stranger. The importance and power of responses compared to reactions can be demonstrated more powerfully by reviewing interactions with family, friends and colleagues. Consider the following situations:

ü       Your son has gone to school with his room untidy again

ü       A colleague at work has gone over your head again

ü       Your holiday plans need to be changed because of an event outside your control

ü       A politician (maybe not a friend or colleague but someone you do know) has made another statement that you disagree with

Once again we have the choice to respond or react. If we react immediately without thought the action will likely be in alignment with the way that we have been “wired” by our past experiences. The undesired results of the reaction could be to tear at the fabric of an important relationship in our life or cause us to burn energy in one area of our life (e.g. work) at the expense of other areas of our life (e.g. family, health, community, friends). On the other hand a conscious response has the potential to find a solution to the underlying issue and at the very least will provide us the power to act in a way that is true to our values.

For example a considered response to the above situations could be:

ü       To take the opportunity (again) to find a way in conjunction with your son to motivate him to keep a tidy room

ü       To find a way to take advantage of the way that your colleague acts

ü       Look for a way to have a bigger and better holiday

ü       Take the opportunity to write to the politician or the newspaper to express your views.

The way to respond rather than react is to be self aware, i.e. look out for and begin to know the situations and events that get you fired up and aggravated. Signs to look out for include:

ü       Not Listening

ü       Anger and annoyance

ü       Shutting down

ü       Frustration

ü       Getting defensive

The next and final step is to decide what you are going to do. One possibility is to recognize the situation that has aggravated you, and then let the related feeling go and consciously decide on how you are going to respond. Alternatively you may decide that you cannot “let it go” at the moment but you make the choice not to act until you have had time to process the situation.  

“Don’t ignore heartfelt desires simply because they seem impossible, undeserved, embarrassing, inappropriate, or not within your grasp. Dig within yourself for the source of the emotion behind the desire and see where that leads you” – Michael Gerber

Do we really have the power to design our present and future life or is our life predetermined or just a function of our past? I believe that we do have that power and this article discusses the steps that need to be taken to realize the power.

The steps to designing a life are not complicated but do require some in depth self analysis and some time. But what better way to spend time than investing it in you. This is not only for your own benefit but for the benefit of the people who are important in your life. Once you begin the process of designing a life that you want you should find that you become a happier, more supportive and inspirational person to the people in your life who matter.

A life of default is one lived by a manual, written by our past circumstances and the people that have impacted us. With this outlook we have little if any power on our life. Rather than taking a good look at ourselves and deciding what we want to do with the gift of life based on our values and strengths we make decisions with a short term outlook based on what seems the right thing to do. Symptoms of people living this life include

• Blaming others or circumstances for their current and future condition
• Using the word “should” when discussing goals or actions
• Feeling stuck in a rut

However, a default life can be attractive. We may like the idea of living a life that we “should” or letting fate take its course. There are many happy successful people who have lived a life of default. My challenge to you is that if you do choose a life of default make it a conscious decision in the realization that there is an alternative.

If you choose to design your life the steps to take are:

1.      Identify your values and strengths

In this step you will identify both what is important to you and what you are good at. Ask people who know you well to help with this step.

2.      Document your designed life

Have fun with this. Don’t use constraints such as money or your current circumstances to hold you back.

3.      Develop a personal mission or purpose statement

This is one or two sentences that is consistent with the information discovered in step 1 and step 2. It should be inspirational for you. Share it with someone who is important to you and post it somewhere you will see it daily. An example is “I will pursue moments of joy and happiness, living each day fully and freely, always seeking exciting new experiences, conquering my fears and serving the needs of myself, my family and my friends”

4.      Identify a way to win

For each important area of your life (e.g. relationships, career, health and fitness) identify at a high level how you will achieve your designed life that was documented in step 2.

5.      Set your goals

See The May 2007 edition of The Coach for goal setting tips

6.      Identify 10 actions that you can do to achieve your designed life

Share these with people who will support you with these actions.

7.      Measure your progress

Celebrate when goals are achieved

What does that adjective, responsible, really mean? The dictionary defines it as being the cause or explanation. When I was growing up I thought it that it meant the end to fun or even worse the start of having to act like an adult. In those earlier years I saw being responsible meaning that I clean my room or wash the dishes (yes they were pre dishwasher days) or being home before 10pm. In this article responsibility means how we respond to the situations and events that happen in our life. The key is accepting who has the power over that response.

The real power of responsibility shows in how we respond to the bad, unfair things that happen in life. We can choose to blame other people or fate and take no action or we can accept responsibility for our life and for how we respond to these bad things and reclaim the power over our lifes that is rightfully ours by learning from the incident and moving on.

But what does this mean? How can we take action and respond when we are a victim? Let’s look at someone who has recently lost their job and how they respond to that. One response is to go into the blame mode and blame, “the company”, ex colleagues, families, the government, anyone but themselves for the loss of the job. The likely outcome of this response is that not much action will take place as a lot of time and energy is spent on blaming and reinforcing the personal lack of power to change the situation. An alternative response is to do such things as,

• Review career goals
• Develop new skills
• Actively search for employment that is bigger and better than what was done previously.

This is taking responsibility.

However, taking responsibility and action is not always easy. Consider, for example, an argument or disagreement at work. It can be natural in a disagreement to believe that the other party is at fault and wait for them to see “the light” before continuing a productive relationship. The negative manifestations of the disagreement include

• not accepting phone calls,
• writing terse emails,
• avoiding the other person,
• doing the bare minimum

These will escalate and affect others at work if one party does not take responsibility for the situation and take action to fix the issue. Accepting responsibility is not the same as accepting blame. It is the hard bit but will be personally satisfying. The party who has accepted responsibility will take action and either move the relationship towards a full and productive recovery or find other means to work happily and productively. Everybody is a winner including the business.

Taking responsibility is not restricted to the relationships in your life and it extends to such things as your own career development. Most of us spend at least 45% of our waking hours working. It makes sense to make the most of this time. Don’t wait for your employer to develop the skills that you need to take the next step in your career. Take action yourself. I will expand on this in the next newsletter by looking at living by design rather than by default.

Have fun with responsibility enjoy the power and freedom that recognising that you have the power over how you respond to the events in your life provides.

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A lot of us set goals or resolutions at the start of each year that at some stage will need to be kick started. Also some of us have goals but are unsure what to do to turn them into reality. There are steps you can make that will increase the chance of success.

The first thing to do is take a fresh look at the goals and confirm that they are really important to you. Make sure that you have not fallen into the trap of basing your personal goals on what others think that you should do. One way to test this is to say the goal out loud (to yourself or to others) and if it genuinely excites you it is your goal and as such you will feel more motivated to achieve it.

Now that you have re-established your goals the next stage is to build the structure that will facilitate goal achievement. The first step is to write the goal down. When writing the goal down follow the SMERT principle

·         S: Specific: Be Specific about what is to be achieved. An example of a specific goal is “to save $2,000”. An example of a non specific goal is “to save money”

·         M: Measurable: This helps you recognise when the goal has been achieved

·         E: Excites: Make sure that the goal is written in a way that excites you. The point of this is to create an emotional attachment to the goal so that your heart as well as your head will push to achieve the goal.

·         R: Reachable: You have to genuinely believe that the goal is reachable or able to be achieved. This does not mean make it easy. In fact be encouraged to reach for the stars but ensure that you believe it is achievable.

·         T: Time Bound: This will help motivate you into action so that the goal will be achieved by a specific date.

The important goals have now been documented. What needs to be done to actually achieve the goals? The great answer to that question is that it is all up to you as you have the power on what you focus and what you do. But there are some practical things you can do to increase your chances of success. These include:

·         Once the goals are written down poster them in a place that you will see every day eg a notice board at work, your office wall, the inside of a kitchen cupboard or the door of your bathroom.

·         Tell your goals to people that will support or encourage you to achieve the goals.

·         Start taking action! The sooner that you start the quicker it will be to when you are celebrating achieving the goals.

·         Keep Positive. You may get detoured or side tracked on your way to goal success but believe in your power to achieve your goals and you will get back on track.

And finally once you have achieved the goal make sure that you celebrate your success. It takes commitment and strong will to achieve SMERT goals so once you are successful give yourself a party.

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